Yeah :( I am not feeling all to great. I just saw my manwhore ex making out with his whore earlier today and it really hurt me emotionally. I understand that I should be over this by now, but it really got to me. I mean idk if some of you guys would get it, but he has a piece of my heart that I dont think I could ever get back now. He was IN FACT my first kiss and I his but that one night, when we kissed goodbye and held each other close, I could feel how his heart like mine, was fluttering like a butterfly in a bird cage. That moment took that tiny piece of my heart like a game of operation and just like trusting a five year old not to draw on a wall with markers, he lost that tiny part of me. I have tried for so long to get over it but nowdays, it seems like on the outside I can stand tall without falter, but inside I am crumbling into pieces like a cookie that lay on the sidewalk only to be stepped on. I now feel like a melancholy Romeo crying out over his unrequieted love for Rosaline in the unmistaken board game of life. I currently like 2 guys at the moment but like Romeo I cry out about such an unrequieted love such as mine. Both guys only like me as a really good friend but as nothing more. I cant seem to find myself a new boyfriend even though I have tried some very drastic measures. I am trying to get in touch with my more "girly-girl" side wearing more makeup and skirts and such. But alas, that didn't work either. I have even considered trying out for the wrestling team to maybe perhaps meet a cool guy. A friend of mine in my art class even recommended that I join. I also know that next year, is going to be a living hell for me. All the snob mobs are coming to CDO and OF COURSE they are going to try everything they possibly can to ruin any slim chance I have of getting a guy. Not only that but a haunting of the past that still follows me today will be surging onward into the minds of the twisted beauties only to pass like a virus into a computer mainstream. I still have yet to live it down. It started from what 2ND GRADE? But even still, sometimes it makes me wonder... Can the ugly duckling truely grow into the adored swan? Even now I begin to wonder: "What is so horribly wrong with me that I have to be the walking targetboard?" "Sure I catch lizards and call 'em cute. And sure I would call any cockroach adorable anyday. But what is normal without one being true to oneself?" I hate the fact that even though I have done many things some freshman wouldnt even consider doing their freshman year like track and hurdles, that the saying "You can't keep running from your past." applies to me. I mean, I grew up suffering. I never could find a day where I didnt grab my bike and ride out into the middle of the desert just to watch the sunset and find myself lost in the moment, forgetting the very person I am. But now all I can do is watch and cry, and wonder when I will ever have a moment of true happiness that I could look onto to brighten up my day at any time I wanted. Or as a wise Charlie Brown said: "I THINK I am afraid to be HAPPY because whenever I get TOO happy, something BAD always happens"
This gets to me alot, becuase I feel like I am not meant to be happy. That I am meant to be the wimpy girl that avoids crowds and has such a lame backstory that nobody wants to hear her out. That SHE the weird one shall never have a swan-like glory to her. That she is to remain a walking targetboard to all those who know her story, and to write sad melancholy stories in which the main female heroine dies by all such, the same weary hand of death by love and murder. To be tossed to the ocean and forgotten by all who surpass her. Maybe one day I can have my swan moment. But with my life as hectic as it is, I don't think that will be happening ever in my lifetime. Perhaps when I die? To be glad to be rid of the world and all of its spite to those deemed unworthy of happiness. Maybe perhaps I shall write of this in an intricate murder romance, taking place in this vey world and exact location. But of what to call it I have no clue. The call of the siren has not yet come to surpass me and whisper ideals into my emptiness. But for now, I heed the call of sleep. O' the sweet siren of slumber.
2 comments:
CHEYENNE HOW COULD U EVEN THINK ABOUT DYING JUST BECAUSE OF A GUY YOUR TALL AND BEAUTIFUL BECAUSE YOU NEVER WEAR A MASK LIKE I DO GUYS ARE INTIMIDATED BY YOUR COURAGE AND BEAUTY THEY ARE AFRAID TO BE LET DOWN BY SOMEONE LIKE YOU IF YOU JUST HAVE COURAGE IN YOURSELF YOU CAN BE SUCH A BETTER PERSON THAN I COULD EVER DREAM TO BE,... I HAVE TO GO BUT CATCH ME ON CHAT CAUSE WE ARE SOOO NOT OVER WITH THIS CHEY CAUSE I CARE
I will be serious this one time. You may not think it but you have a lot in common with me, i'll tell you why later, when things look down and look like they are never going to get better look up not at your feet cause the worlds is full of mysterys liek why the good die young, but some mysterys can change your life if solved the right way, so look up not down and look foward. I'm not telling you to forget about your past just don't let it rule your life, don't let it control your emotions, use it to change the future.
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